I like planning and I like to be prepared. I like to do list of pro and cons, doing research and all. You got the idea. In very rare occasions, I may do something spontaneous, but it would only happened when I am around my inner circle, with people I trust.
So, when 2020 hit, I wasn't prepared at all. I guess no one could be prepared for what was coming. It has affected us all, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. Life before pandemic felt like decades ago, when everything was pretty much 'normal' and under control. Maybe it was easier to think that we had everything under control when things were going the way we want, well, life wasn't easy but it wasn't so bad, right?! At least we still had the freedom to wandering around without worrying that we may contracted something that would let us to be infected.
After months of stuck at home, I am beginning to think that what happens during this pandemic and what scares me the most. It's about the feeling of losing control. I am not a fan of the uncertainty that we are experiencing now. We don't know when it's going to be over. We are not sure if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Even though I am sure, science is trying its best to find solutions, but no one really sure what's going to happen. And meanwhile, people are losing jobs, families are losing homes, and some are losing loved ones.
So, in this time of uncertainty and social distancing, in my effort to keep myself together, I took time to have deep thoughts and tried to extract some of the things I’ve learned when I got through tough times in the past. Maybe what I am about to share won't resonate with your experience but who knows maybe you ended up find something interesting.
What kind of tough times you said? I am glad you asked.
The one that hit me the hardest was the time when I lost my mother. She passed away from the illness we didn't know after it was too late to be treated. It happened so fast. I can't elaborate clearly the stages or process I had to pass but it took me more than a year of living in grief and a total mess. I struggled to get by one day at a time, I cried myself to sleep every night and tried not to end it all just to escape the pain. I slowly turned into a zombie. Still alive but hardly living. I tried to look normal and be strong but deep down I gave up on everything. People would come to me and said. "try to pull yourself together" or "don't you think it's time for you to move on?!" but I just looked pass them as if those were empty words. Meaningless. The pain had clouded everything. As someone who worship self responsibility, I didn't like what I had became after my mother passed away but it wasn't that easy to pull my self together. As a person of faith, I think it was my faith that held me to survive that long, even though it was stretched very very thin. And, after many ups and downs, stages of denial, anger, depression, and tried my best to deal with all of these emotions and feelings privately, I finally arrived to acceptance. It doesn't mean the feeling of loss is gone, it's still there. I still miss my mother everyday, but I have made peace with myself. I quit asking “what ifs”. I guess an epiphany came to me that no one was more responsible to the mess I'd became than me. The pain is unbearable but it didn't change the reality that my mother is gone. She's gone but I still here and I still have a life to live and dreams to achieved. The world hasn’t ended. Besides, my mother wouldn’t be happy if she sees me stop living and not taking care of myself. Like I said before, it took me more than a year to grief, I hit rock bottom and I got nowhere to go from there but up. So, maybe what the one wise koala bear said in the animation movie Sing is true :
"You know what's great about hitting rock bottom, there's only one way left to go, and that's up!".
What did I need to talk about the loss and the grief, because it’s basic humanity. We grieve when we lost someone we care. I can’t say that I did great in term of grieving but I know I am trying. It’s something we can’t deny. To try to suppress it or deny it would only brings bigger and bigger grief, it’ll pile up and one day it’ll explode, and it won’t be pretty. Losing someone we love is a painful reminder that we have no control over life and death. And, life and death are amongst the many things we don’t have control or power over.
So. let’s talk about control. Control, a simple word yet very powerful. But what is control? Can we really control something or someone? Some would say control is just an illusion because no one really control anything. Some would say, control is about our ability to influence our surrounding to do what we want. But illusion or not, influence or not, if we observe life and human interactions, I am sure we could conclude that most people have been trying to control everything and each other. We may say, some have succeeded, some have failed.
The world we live in is not utopia, it's a broken world. In a broken world, things get broken, sometimes it could be fixed, but sometimes things just too broken that there's nothing we could do to repair it. In a broken world, there're death, pain and suffering, sometimes we figured out how to live less painful, sometimes the pain and suffering perpetuate. When I came to this understanding, I was terribly hesitant to learn that I need to accept that there are things I can change and can't change.
Epictetus said :
"Of all existing things some are in our power, and others are not in our power. In our power are thought, impulse, will to get and will to avoid, and, in a word, everything which is our own doing. Things not in our power include the body, property, reputation, office, and, in a word, everything which is not our own doing.”
It's crucial to gain the ability to distinguish which ones are under our control and which ones are not. It's not difficult logically to recognize the difference between those two, but often, the need to control is too powerful and makes me to blind.
When my mother passed away, I couldn't help but to think maybe there was something we could do or things we hadn't tried to save her. But, we've tried the best we can yet her life and death are never in our control. I don't have the button to push and make the illness or the death go away. And no matter how hard I tried, I could never bring my mother back to life.
Someone could get ill despite the best efforts at taking care of the body. Someone may lose job through this pandemic which is not that person's fault. Unfortunate things happen. For the things that are not in our control, we can try and put our best efforts to have the best result, but we must understand that nothing that we do can guarantee the outcome, it may turn out the way we want or it may not. No matter how much we plan, worry, and attempt to prevent misfortunes from occurring, they sometimes do, so to be constantly worry and let the worry paralyze us won't do any good, it won't change anything,
as in Matthew 6:27 :
"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life ?"
In our life, bad things or good things may happen and when it happens, the only thing we have under our control is how we react to it, our attitude. Our attitude may under our control but it can be influenced by ourselves or things outside ourselves. I always think that when we let our attitude influenced by things outside such as people's opinion, it's like we're giving them the power over us. It is us who have the power to determine our attitude, not other people, not even our parents or our spouse. I always try and hope that my attitude is a result of clear thoughts, logic or reasoning, a conscious decision, and not entirely let it to be controlled by emotional reaction over something. It’s a daily struggle, but life is precious, and it’s worth to be fight for and to be live in intentionally.
In addition to understand deeply about the things we can control and can not control, we have to keep reminding ourselves that disappointment is the outcome when we try to control things that we can not control.
As Lysa TerKeurst stated in her book It's Not Supposed to Be This Way :
"Disappointment happens every time I come face-to-face with my absolute inability to control people, circumstances, and timing. If I could control all these things, I’d arrange my own version of perfection. I’d be the boss of my life and those in my life."
So rather than let myself be overwhelmed with the things I can't control, and be disappointed most of the time, I learn to invest and focus on the wellbeing of the things I can control. For starter, I try to feed my mind only with healthy, reasonable and logic thoughts. Next step, as character is important and according to the philosophy of Stoicism, shaping the character is ultimately the only thing under our control, so it's all up to us, to shape the character, to change the things that we can change in ourselves to be the best version of ourselves. It is our choice to decide are we going to be that person who can't master their attitude and being overly reactive or easily triggered by external factors where other people are forced to create a safe space just for us, or are we going to be the person who live a good life, who has self control, and fully understand that life is a mess and stuff happened and we just have to learn deal in maturity, fully responsible for everything we say, we think, and for our actions, and also as a person who know how to be in harmony in the relation with the surrounding, with the community.
If now after reading all this, you ask what's the point of understand and do all those things, what is it to gain? For me, when I came to this understanding, I am to achieve serenity and freedom, and I believe I have found two things in my pursuit of meaning of life, Serenity and freedom. Serenity, because I don't have to worry about the things that I can not control, I accept the brokenness of the world and all its ‘perks’ and just try my best to live my life without chasing utopia, and try to live in peace and harmony with the community where I am planted. Freedom, because I understand that no matter what it seems, people or circumstances or anything do not have power over me, over my thoughts, my actions, my attitude and my words, it’s always been me who have the power and control, it’s me who get to decide, so I am no slave, freedom is mine.
And,
Last but not least, you may have seen this prayer somewhere but this prayer always managed to remind me when things got tough.
God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
May the serenity and freedom be yours. (V)