Just a comma, a reflection.

It's been quite a while since my last update. I initially started this blog to motivate myself, but it eventually transformed into a space for exploring my faith. A lot has changed since the last entry.

Life's whirlwind can sometimes make it difficult to keep up with writing. I used to believe I constantly needed time for reflection, but these past years revealed a surprising appreciation for both fast-paced and slow living. I've discovered that balance is key. I can embrace a quicker pace while recognizing. the need to hit the brakes and rest.

The satisfaction of completing a painting or taking geometrically composed photos or focusing during my archery or shooting training session are some of the form of therapy for me, which provided a deep sense of accomplishment and has been a source of strength during difficult times.

While I wouldn't claim to be completely free of depression, there have definitely been moments when I felt on the brink of falling. These experiences, though scary, have also been valuable learning opportunities.

Through these moments I've learned and confirmed that indeed my relationship with God is very personal and cannot be represented by any church or pastors or church leaders. I let my heart out and being truly honest in front of Him, and even though the responses were just complete silence at those moments, life itself unfolds the greatness and kindness of God. It feels so personal because He answers my deepest thoughts, thoughts I never share to a soul, in His way, and that way I understand His love.

In contrast to that optimistic tone on fast-paced living, today I would like to put a comma and take time to entangle my thoughts and hopefully finding the meaning behind the most basic and trivial question but also one of the most difficult question in life.

Why you're doing what you're doing?

Answers can vary widely, from money, power, and accomplishment to other factors. Over time, these answers may change depending on the course of our lives.

Personally, I've always considered myself someone who values meaning over artificial things. However, lately, I've realized that life has led me down a different path. I've been given expectations by others and, without much thought, I've adopted them as my new goals. The expectation is to be perfect, to be ideal. So, I've been living for perfection, setting high standards for myself, especially in my work. Additionally, constant self-scrutiny has become a new habit.

Perfection is not easily attainable, and the daily struggle for it has resulted in burnout. I've been easily irritated or short-tempered lately, which is unfortunate.

And it's exhausting.

I'm tired of being angry at myself and others when the ideal isn't met. It feels like I'm holding myself hostage with the self-imposed standards and rules I've created. It's ironic to think that I'm the one who put myself in this cage.

Why am I so angry? Is it really that important to be ideal? Does it matter? Will I die if I'm not perfect?

I'm angry because I've assigned value to these things, because external voices make them seem important. Without realizing it, I've fallen into the trap of unrealistic expectations. I'm no longer free because I've given external voices too much power and control. So, I've decided to stop and ask myself questions to find the answer to 'why am I doing what I'm doing?'

Does this anger define me? Is it a matter of life and death?

We need to be careful about what we allow to define us. It should be something stronger and deeper than temporary things, aligned with the purpose of our lives.

So, when I realized this recently, I found a new approach to all the pressures and expectations. I'm letting go of the prison I built. And once again, I'm learning and striving to be better, to be free.

Asking yourself why you're doing what you're doing is a constant reminder that keeps you on track and in check.